No one wants to admit they need help making friends. And searching out ways to ‘influence’ people feels fraudulent. After all, if what you’ve got going on is the real deal, you shouldn’t need to influence anyone, it should just ‘happen’?

But who am I to be so judgemental, after all, the book that holds this title has sold 30 million copies. That's a lot of people who need help making friends and expressing themselves. Clearly not such a niche after all. So I’m putting my judgement aside and looking in the mirror.

So I read it - on my kindle, so no one could see the cover. Then a beautiful friend, after reading my last subsbtack on vulnerability, suggested I listen to a podcast with Charlie Houpert, who is a ‘Charisma Expert’. I did - and it blew my mind.

Perhaps we’re more likely to say ‘how do I improve my charisma?’ then ‘how do I attract good people into my life?’

I’m definitely guilty of having put friendships on the back burner as I have navigated the huge brain-load that is early motherhood and simultaneously, career. For anyone in the same boat, the words ‘exhaustion’ and ‘touched out’ and ‘zero headspace’ will resonate, and for me - the luxury of friendship and making time to invest in these relationships, fell to last on my priority list as I quite literally, collapsed into bed at 7pm every night and texted back ‘can we rain-check?’.

A decade of rain-checks takes a toll and while I have come out the other side with a handful of beautiful friendships that have withstood my absence, I am finding myself now, emerging from the weeds of early motherhood, as a different person - and one that craves meaningful and connective friendships.

Making friends as an adult feels like dating (something I haven’t done in 20 odd years) and I’m not a great flirt - I’m far too direct. Small talk kills me - I’d rather go straight in for the kill and say ‘hey do you want to be friends? Are you free next Thursday to grab lunch?’ although I’m finding this approach is often (embarassingly) met with silence, or diversion to small talk, which to me is worse than having no friends at all.

And so, (drumroll..) enters the Charisma coach, Charlie Houpert, teaching me things that I teach my 5 year old who just started school and is navigating all things friendships. I’m not sure why I didn’t make the connection that what applies to her as a Preppie, also applies to me as a 40 year old.

Here goes (based on Charlie’s advice);

When someone asks ‘how are you?’ (or the like), respond in a way that shows enthusiasm and how ‘fun you are’ (cringe again). So an example, if someone says ‘how was your day'?’ you can’t just say ‘busy’ or ‘great’ - you’ve got to go for ‘Incredible! Im working on this amazing XYZ’ or ‘Exhausting, my partner is travelling so I’m single mumming’ - in other words, give them bait to ask more and find likeness to connect on.

Go there first in humanising a situation - give the first compliment, break the ice, make the first joke. Apparently people with great charisma (like-ability) are the first ones to open up within a new group and get people connecting at a real level.

Share the real thing a level down beneath the surface level. Small talk sucks - so opening up an opportunity for real connection often means getting to the real stuff. Its in the vulnerability that others feel comfortable to connect at a deeper level too, find similarities and alignments to bond over.

Don’t talk fast. Apparently leaders do thing slowly. They also gesticulate widely (side note). So it’s a definite yes to taking up space, but not to rushing. When you talk fast, Houpert explains that this makes others not feel safe and triggers a prey/predator situation which as we know, is not conducive to friendship or connection.

Also! Most alarmingly - get comfortable staring at people. Houpert says that like-ability/confidence/leadership is displayed in your openness to being seen looking at others. This is contrary to the ‘stop staring!’ message your parents may have taught you when you were gawking at the neighbours kids as a child. But apparently our parents were wrong. Gawk away (with a smile) - it invites people to come over and say hello - and may lead to a lifelong new friend - and a connectivity that sticks.

SHOP THE CHARISMA EDIT